Church Bloopers

Have a little chocolate Jesus.

Bulletin Board Bloopers

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Missing — A purple lady's bicycle from the church parking lot.
The "Spiritually Spontaneous" rally will begin at 4:15.
The Sunday Night Men's Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.
It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
Anyone not claiming lost articles will be disposed of.
Will the person who borrowed the ladder from the custodian's closet please bring it back before further steps are taken.
Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
If we see smoking, we will assume that you are on fire and will take appropriate action.
Church Rummage Sale: A good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your spouse.
The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
Wanted: Part-time, a Christian nanny to take care of our two-year-old who does not smoke or drink.

Minister Bloopers

One thing we have been taught over and over in school is that the use of a double negative is a no-no.
I think we ought to eliminate and abolish redundancy.
The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Because the class on time management went overtime, we will move children's praise to the gym this morning.
Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Jean is leading a weight-management series on Wednesday nights. She has used the program herself and is growing like crazy.
The Pastor's seminar on fasting will be held this Saturday morning at 9 A.M. in the Fellowship Hall. Coffee and donuts will be served.
Don't waist time on diets, join the church's aerobic class.
The Women's League reported that Mrs. Springston, a grandmother of five, made a hole in one last week. Good Shooting!
Ushers will beat latecomers.
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks to all those sending cards and flowers and contributing to the death of her husband.
The red nose spray on the altar is in celebration of the Smith's 25th wedding anniversary.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
Continue to pray for Rita Slone, a blind member of our missionary team who got a new kidney from her father she hasn't seen in years.
Baptist Men's Fellowship Group Helps Dog Bite Victim.
This Friday is our annual church hayride. Bring a pack of hot dogs and guns. We'll have a good time.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night—Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when reverend Jack Graham supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Don't let worry kill you — let the church help.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

Hymn Bloopers

Have a little chocolate, Jesus.
All people that on earth do swell.